First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
