just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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