I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
