Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
