I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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