Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
