woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You left your phone here
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