More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Of course I have a pirate flag
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
