$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
