Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Operation Purity has been aborted
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
