I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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