I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
