On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
