he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
