I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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