my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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