i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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