I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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