Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
