im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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