His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
