Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
