She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
