I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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