Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
