Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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