I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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