this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
