I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
operation have a gay friend backfired
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
