next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
