I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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