I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
