i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
