my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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