i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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