ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
