I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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