I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
