Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
