its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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