I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
