He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
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