my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We need to get me chipped asap
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
