Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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