After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
