my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
