don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
