She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
