I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
