if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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