Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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