Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
