My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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