I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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