while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
