So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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